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If Dr. Suess wrote the Bible ...

 
 

[via email from Aaron B., a fellow graduate student]

    

Dr. Seuss Leviticus:


Thou shalt not do it with a goat.
Thou shalt not do it in a boat.
Thou shalt not do it with thine ass,
Much less thy neighbor's, saucy lass!
Thou shalt not do it with an elf.
Thou shalt not do it by thyself.
Thou shalt not do it in a flood.
Thou shalt not do it if there's blood.
Thou shalt not do it if thee match.
(Don't thou know what thou couldst catch?)
Thou shalt not do it with thy mother.
But thou can with brother's brother.
Thou shalt not do it with thy dad
Unless he's sloppy drunk or mad.
Thou shalt not do it here or there.
Thou shalt not do it anywhere!
 


And finally Kids in the Hall NT:


One day God said
This is what I will do
I'll send down my son
I'll send him to you
To clear up this humpity
Bumpity hulabaloo

His name will be Christ
And he'll never wear shoes
And his pals will all call
Him the King of the Jews

He didn't come in a plane
He didn't come in a jeep
He didn't come in the pouch
Of a high jumping vo veep

He rode on the back of a black sasatoo
Which is the blackiest creature
You ever could view

He rode to Jerusalem
Home of the grumpity Jews
Where false prophets are worshipped
Some even in two's

There was Murrary Von Mer
And Genghis Vo Vooze
The one you could worship
By taking a snooze

Christ spoke from a mound
Which is a pile of ground
And people gathered around
Without making a sound
And thus he spake

Sin in socks
Socks full of sin
How do we quiet this
Jehoviadin din

Do unto others as
They do unto you
That includes you
Young Timothy Foo

One pharisee said to another he knew
What do we do with this upitty jew
We can wash him in wine
And make him all clean
And into Sam Zittle's
Crucifixtion Machine

Twirl the gawhril
And relase the gavlease
And in go the nails
As fast as you please

And it is said that he
Said as he bled:

Forgive them Father
For they know not what they do

For they walk through this life
In toe crampity shoes.

Do you?

 
 
 

Copyright 1998-2003 by Mikhail Blikshteyn.
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